Merry Christmas Sean
by Friends Babe
Summary: Set after Holby. Tina and Sean standalone


_This was written around Christmas 2003 and was just something I had in my head one day. It's a standalone, but please let me know what you think!_

**Merry Christmas Sean**

"Merry Christmas Sean"

That's all I can think to say. As the clean snow falls at my feet and the bitter wind taunts me that's all I can think to say. We used to have these amazingly long conversations about nothing, about something, about everything. We'd talk for hours. I always used to look forward to it. Knew that if I needed him he'd be there to talk to me, to comfort and reassure me. But he's not here now. As I stand here alone in the snow he's nowhere around me. He's gone. Forever.

I used to come down here and imagine him standing next to me. When the wind rustled at my shoulders I could almost feel his strong arms wrapped around me, I can't feel them anymore. I can't even remember what his voice sounded like. I can remember the words he uttered to me, the mindless conversations, the ground shaking admissions, the words of love, hate, emotion. I can remember them all. But the voice that uttered them is blank. Empty. There is nothing to distinguish it. No accent, no tone, pitch, feeling. It could be the voice of anyone. But it's meant to be the voice of my one and only, my friend, my lover, my soul mate.

I used to come here often. Just sit here, still. Imagining all the things we could be doing, all the things we were always going to do tomorrow. Or when the weather perked up, when we'd saved up. All the things we put off one to many times. Looking back we should have done them all. The mad, bad and dangerous. The sweet and romantic. We should have blown our money when we had the chance to enjoy it. What use is it to me now? What am I going to spend all our money on? Nothing means anything without him. Not anymore.

After a while I stopped coming, gave up really. Friends convinced me, begged, pleaded with me. Told me I was throwing my life away over something I couldn't change. He was gone, that was made pretty clear. He wasn't coming back and there was no point me wasting my life wishing upon stars for him to come back to me. Yes I love him, even now I still love him. He was my soul mate. The one person I loved more than anyone else, the one person who hurt me more than anyone else. Yet I love him. Even sitting here on the frozen ground I love him.

Yes there were fights, arguments, tantrums. Both of us left at least once. But we came back. That's what made us different. We learned from the fights and came back. Talked, moved on. Loved each other even more. They all said it wouldn't work. I was wasting my time on a man who could only ever hurt me. They all begged me each time to not go back. But I had to. I loved him. I loved the way he smelt, the way he held my hand, the way he was always waiting for me when I got in from work, the way he made me feel. The way he loved me. I know he loved me. That's one thing I am certain off. He loved me.

But eventually he had to leave. He had no choice. I cried and I cried. I begged and I pleaded, but he left. Went away. Left me alone with no love, no happiness, all the money we'd saved for tomorrow useless in yesterday. That's why I'm sitting here. Waiting for the sun to rise. Waiting to see in Christmas with the man I love, the man I have always loved. I do it every year. I trudge up the hill, even now when my bones aren't as supple as they used to be. I trudge up and I sit here and wait in silence. Words don't need to be spoken. They never did. He knows I love him, I know he loves me. We don't need to tell each other. And every year as the sun climbs over the treetops and touches on what remains of my blonde hair I gently brush my lips over the cold, rough surface of the headstone and whisper those words. The words I've waited all year to say. I whisper them as I leave. Going back to my house. The house we decorated together for every tomorrow. The house, filled not with laughter but with the love we shared.As the headstone fades into the background, it's words now faded and cracked.

_Dr. Sean Maddox_

_Loving Husband and Friend_

_Gone, Never Forgotten_

I smile as I walk down the hill. I turn and glance back up and in that instant I can see him again, I can hear his voice ringing clearly in my ears. My heart swells as I remember the good times. All the yesterdays we shared.

"Merry Christmas Sean"


End file.
